No Wonder!

Many countries
Have developed
Unique varieties
Of bread
That complement
Almost every
Meal served locally,
Whether at home
Or in a restaurant.
This was certainly
True for both
Turkey and Iraq
Where I spent
The last few years.
I developed
An appetite for
Many of the
Local breads,
Especially when
The loaves
Were fresh out of
The oven.
I am also quite fond
Of Nan bread
From India too,
Especially when
Accented with garlic.
When I got
Back home
In America,
I was appalled
At the stuff
We pass off as bread.
It is almost all air
And absolutely no taste.
That reminds me
Of an astute comment
Reportedly by
One of the
Russian cosmonauts
Who was in
Our country
As a part of
The international
Space program.
He said that
The United States
Has got to have
The worst bread
In the Cosmos!
Truer words
Have never been spoken.

Counting Railroad Cars

Along numerous cross country
Highways and byways
Here in the United States,
Railroad tracks parallel
The road way.
I remember as a child
Occupying myself
On cross country trips
Counting the number
Of railroad cars
On each train we passed.
Here I am
Over fifty years later
And I still feel
The compulsion to count
The number of railway cars
Whenever I pass a train.
I believe my record
Is a train with over
Two hundred fifty cars
And six locomotives.
Counting can be difficult
When the train is headed
In the opposite direction.
I must have counted the cars
On over a hundred
Different trains
Over the years.
Good old Union Pacific
And Southern Pacific Railroads
Have conspire to entertain me
Over many thousands of miles
Of otherwise
Monotonous roadways.

Do-It-Yourself Styles

I am one of those guys
Who dives in
When I buy something
Requiring assembly,
And figure out from
The size and shape
Of those pieces,
How they should
Fit together.
I may cheat a little,
Once in a while,
And glance
At the instructions,
Or at least
At the pictures
To see if I am
On the right track,
But I usually trust
My builders instinct.
Some other people
I have observed,
Will study
The instructions religiously,
Not only looking
At the pictures and drawings,
But also reading
The document in its entirety
Before they even try
Assembling anything.
I will often have
The item put together
Before they are
Ready to begin.

Teaching English Overseas

For those college graduates
Who speak English
As a native language,
There are opportunities
To live and work overseas
In almost every
Non-English speaking country
In the world.
There is a huge demand
Because in most countries,
Speaking English is viewed as
A prerequisite for a good job.
In times of recession
And high unemployment,
Knowing how to speak English
Becomes essential.
Students are desperate to learn
And language schools
Are sprouting up
Almost everywhere.
Host country nationals
Who teach English
Often stress grammar
Above practical usage,
So students tend to learn the rules,
But not how to speak.
Native English speakers
Are in high demand
Because they can naturally
Teach students
To converse fluently in English.
Some people manage to
Land teaching positions
Without any teaching credentials,
Which is how I got started
Teaching English overseas.
Generally, however,
Some form of
Teaching certification is required.
The are many TEFL
(Teaching English as
A Foreign Language)
Certification programs available.
Courses are available
Both in classroom settings
And on-line,
With the on-line courses
Being considerably cheaper.
Basic certification
Can be obtained
For as little as
One hundred ninety dollars.
In addition to basic certification,
There are also
Specialized certifications
For teaching young students
And for teaching business English.
Obviously, the more
Certifications one has,
The better prospects
One should have
In landing a good position.
The pay you receive
Is usually quite low
By American standards,
But often sufficient
To live quite well in country.
There can be
A substantial difference in pay
Between working
In the nations key cities
And outlying areas.
Most schools have
A two to three month
Summer vacation
Which should give you
Time to travel
And see the rest of the country.
Most of the time,
There is no necessity
Or requirement to speak
The local language,
In fact, it can be a benefit
Not speaking the local language.
It forces the students
To use English
When conversing with you.
Most of the time,
Teaching positions are obtained
When you are already
Located in the country
In which you want to teach.
This makes it far easier
For you to interview them,
And for them to interview you.
Each country has
Their own rules and regulations
Applicable to teaching
And working within the country.
Generally the school
Will walk you through
The paperwork required
For you to legally teach
In that country.
Some teachers will choose to
Offer private tutoring
To supplement their teaching salary.
Generally the TEFL school
Will assist you in finding placement
And will advise you
On the best way to secure a position,
And on what salary
You should expect
In a particular location.
I have taught in Turkey,
And have met people
Who have taught English
In Vietnam, China and Thailand.
Many people seem to love
Their teaching experience,
And it is often
Far less stressful
Then corporate jobs
Back here in America.
I have met several
American English teachers
Who have left seventy to eighty
Thousand dollar/year
Corporate positions
To teach English overseas,
Who fell in love with the job
And the freedom it offered.

Hut Tub Round Table

There is something magical
In the way a hot tub
Acts to breaks the ice
And lubricate the tongues
Of a group of strangers
Who chance to meet
Within its bubbling waters.
Perhaps it's an integral part
Of the California spirit,
Or at least of
The apartment complex
In which we dwell.
There are seven of us
Soaking in the pool,
And no one is from
Around these parts,
Mostly from diverse corners
Of the planet.
There is a guy from Morocco,
One from Macedonia,
Another from Armenia
And still another
From some place in India.
There is a girl from Mexico
A guy from Afghanistan
And then there is me
Who came here via
Turkey and Iraq.
What we have is a melting pot
Of people from all over,
Some young, college aged,
And a couple of us
What I would call
Middle aged!
We talked philosophy,
Dabbled in politics,
Even broached religion,
Plied the muddy waters
Of ancient history,
And aired our thoughts
Without trying to convince
Anybody of anything.
It was an oral free-for-all,
And I loved it.
It is fun sometimes to sit back
And converse about life.
I don't do that often enough
As far as I am concerned.
Usually I am just
Too busy living life
To slow down, mellow out,
And enjoy comparing notes
With others on exactly
What it is to be human.
This is as good a time to start,
I suppose, as any.

Certified

When does sanity
Cross the line
Into the realm
Of insanity?
Even the professionals
In the psychiatric field
Probably can't give
A clear answer
To that question.
Just what is sanity?
Is it permanent
Or temporary?
Is it something
We float into
And out of depending
On our mood,
Or the situation
We find ourselves in?
I have heard
Such terms as
Temporary insanity
As an excuse
For some pretty
Crazy acts,
But is there also
Temporary sanity?
Are some people
Lucid occasionally
And certifiably crazy
The rest of the time?
Most of us daydream,
And are very imaginative
In coming up with
Alternative possibilities
To what life is actually like,
But when we drift off
Into a fantasy world
Of our own creation,
Are we sane or insane?
We all get crazy notions
Floating around inside our heads
From time to time,
But generally we don't
Act on those impulses.
Sometimes we do,
And we are apt to
Suffer the consequences.
Is sanity a matter of restraint,
The reluctance to follow through
On our crazier impulses?
Is it a matter of self control?
Is insanity a conformance
To some established norm?
If so, then what is normal?
There are certain things
That drive us crazy,
But at what point
Are we really crazy?
I bring all these questions up
Because I once met a guy
Who carried around
A letter certifying his sanity,
And I thought that was
Pretty darn crazy!
It is difficult enough
For a psychologist
To certify someone as insane,
But how could they
Certify someone as sane,
And is that certification
Temporary or permanent?

Belching Steam

She is obviously
Frustrated and angry
At the inequities of life,
But that is no excuse
For the language that gushes
From her mouth
Just because something
Has ticked her off.
Normally she comes across
As very sharp
And completely professional,
But when she is
In a foul mood,
Look out world!
She tends to lash out
With curses,
Spewing verbal venom
At whoever
Or whatever
Crossed her path,
And in the process,
She sounds neither
Educated nor erudite.
If she behaves
That way at home,
She is bound to act
The same at work,
And it will cost her
Far more than
She can possibly imagine.
We all have challenges
And our share
Of frustrations,
For that is
The nature of life,
But it is not appropriate
For any of us to splatter
Our discontent
On everyone around us
As she has been doing.

SPAM

Long before junk emails
Began to litter cyberspace,
Most people knew SPAM
As the classic American
Canned meat product
Manufactured by Hormel.
Even today it is still a staple
In most US grocery stores.
In several countries like
The Philippines and Korea
SPAM is extremely popular
Both as a regular dinner entree
And as a treat for special occasions.
In Korea, cans of Spam
Are thought of as ideal
Wedding gifts!
Over the years there has been
Much speculation
And many jokes told
As to the supposed source
Of the meat meat used in Spam,
Some people think that
SPAM stands for
"Specially Processed Animal Meats,"
And others believe it stems from
A contraction of "Spiced Ham."
I used to tell my kids
When they were growing up
That SPAM came from the "Spamalo",
A mythical half-breed pig.
All I know is that for sure
Is that it was impossible to find
There in Turkey
Where I lived
For the last couple years,
And I suppose,
Absence makes
The heart grow fonder.

Numerical Drift

I find it takes
A lot of effort
For me to stay
Focused and alert
While counting.
I easily get distracted
Which often causes me
To lose count.
It doesn't help
That my mind
Has a natural tendency
To drift off,
Either in momentary
Lapses of sleep,
Or pursuing other
Lines of thought.
I have come up with
A slew of tricks
To help me in my
In my counting efforts,
But nothing is failsafe.
I will often
Group things
In piles of
A convenient number,
Then I can simply
Count the piles.
Occasionally I have
Counted something
Three or four times,
And each time,
Came up with
A different total.
That is a sure-fire way
To give myself a headache.
For those people
Subject to numerical slumber
As I am,
Counting sheep can be
An effective way
For them to put
Themselves to sleep.
One, two, three, four, snore.

The Racial Outcast

The woman was of
Chinese descent,
But born here in
The United States,
A second generation
American immigrant.
Even though she grew up
And was educated here,
It is obvious that she
Never got comfortable
With the fact
Of being Chinese
In American society.
It didn't make
Any difference
That fifty percent
Of the office
Was also Chinese.
She still saw herself
As different
From everyone else,
And felt she had to
Defend China's honor.
She took offense
At anything mentioned
Either in the news
Or in general conversation
About China
Or Chinese people
That could be
Construed as
Remotely negative,
Acting as if that was
A direct attack on her.
The slightest comment,
No matter how innocuous
Would draw her ire.
She would become livid
Whenever shoddy or dangerous
Chinese merchandise
Made the evening news,
After all,
China wasn't the only place
That made poor quality goods.
When a Chinese student
At an Eastern university
Went on a rampage
And killed a number
Of people on campus,
She felt the emphasis
In the news coverage
Was the fact
That he was Chinese,
And she railed against
The apparent injustice
Of the reporting.
She talked about
How racist
This country was,
But she was
Far more race conscious
Than anyone else
I ever met.
Her hyper-sensitivity
Made her act like
A racial outcast,
And isolated her
From the rest of
Mainstream society.
It left her
In perpetual battle
With the world,
Pointlessly defending
Everything Chinese.

The Corporate Lizard

She's the kind of boss
Nobody ever wants to have,
Someone hard to work with,
And even harder to work for,
But she's embedded herself
Within the corporate structure.
In fact, you could say
She's married to the company,
For it is apparently
The only family she has,
Thus she willing spends
All her evenings and weekends
Sequestered there at the office
And expects those
Working for her
To do the same.
Unfortunately for you,
She has been assigned
As the team leader
On a design project,
And you are a part
Of that team.
You quickly realize
Her principle concern
Is showing who is boss,
And rubbing it in.
Her concept of leadership
Is to treat those
Under her as idiots,
With barely concealed
Scorn and contempt,
To ask their opinion,
Then to completely ignore
Their responses.
She calls for frequent
And often pointless meetings,
A total waste of your time
And the rest of the team
As well as the time of
The consultants involved.
If you are a professional
And know what you are doing,
This really chafes you
The wrong way,
And it is people like her
That often cause
Experienced people
To break away,
And form companies
Of their own.

Finger Nail Drama

As far as the toddler
Is concerned,
Finger nail clippers
Are terribly crude
Instruments of torture,
And he will never
Sit quietly and watch
His fingers
Being butchered by them.
He will scream
At the top of his lungs,
Turn purple
With indignant rage,
And twist and turn,
Trying to escape
His mother's
Bi-monthly inquisition.
In spite of her
Logical concern
That the neighbors
May one day
Call the police
To report his
Tortured screams,
She dutifully proceeds
On her periodic quest
To shorten his nails
To prevent him
From gouging either
Himself or others.

Accessing Our New Reality

I have been away
For quite a while
And on coming back
To this old country,
It seems so much
Has changed.
It is not the same nation
As the one I left behind.
Gone are both
The arrogant pride,
And the perpetual optimism
For which we Americans
Were often noted.
There is a new
President in office
Elected on
A platform of change,
But something
Far more fundamental
Than a simple
Change of leadership
Has occurred.
I find it difficult to gauge
Just where we are
Because the news channels
Have become
So biaest for or against
The current leadership
That basic objectivity
I once expected
From the news services
Is a thing of the past.
When I talk to people
I chance to meet,
I observe that
A pervasive sense of
Dissolusionment
Has set in,
Those who wanted change
Are not happy with
The changes they see,
And those who
Liked the way things were
Are generally appalled
By what they see,
And the two sides
Are more polarized
Than ever before.
Our confidence
In ourselves
And where the future
Is taking us
Appears to have been
Profoundly shaken.
The economic ressession
The nation and the rest
Of the world endured
Is by no means over,
And its effect is visible
Almost everywhere I look.
Many people who once thought
They were secure,
Have awakened
To a new financial reality,
And few are optimistic
That things will
Rapidly turn around,
That the future
Will somehow be better
Than it is today.
More people are in
Survival mode
Than I have ever seen before.
Optimists seem to be
Few and far between.
Where are we really,
And where are we headed?
I am still trying
To figure that out,
And I sense
That now is a time
Our nation needs
Leadership more than
Ever before,
Someone we all
Can believe in.

Awaiting the Familiar Stranger

They were there
At the airport
Impatiently waiting
For their child's
Grandfather to show up
After a protracted
Overseas absence.
The young couple
Proceeded to
Entertain themselves
Asking each other
If this person
Or that person
Exiting the gate
Was the one they
Were waiting for.
No, that person
Is too old,
No, That person
Is too young.
No, I think he has
More hair than that!
No, that one
Is too fat.
No, that one
Is too skinny.
Finally I showed up,
Looking somewhat
Like they remembered,
And after greeting
My daughter
And her husband,
Was introduced
To my newest grandson.

Riding Fury

With eyes ablaze
Full of pent up fury
And righteous indignation,
She stormed into the room
Literally frothing
At the mouth,
Demanding an immediate search
For the missing key.
I, who knew exactly
Where I had placed it,
Deduced what might
Have happened,
But not wanting to
Incite her further,
Quickly left
And let her fume.
Had she been
Of a rational mind,
She could have reasoned
That the missing key
Was simply misplaced,
And could easily
Be replaced,
Or would simply
Turn up sooner or later.
Her blowup
Wasn't at all necessary,
But she was stuck on
Having me tear
The apartment apart
Looking for it.
The likely scenario
Was that she had
Absent mindedly
Picked up the key
And placed it
Where she often
Places her keys,
And that is where
It probably is
Even now.
I, who don't have
Neither the authority
Nor the audacity
To search her
Purses or pockets,
Can only wait until
She stumbles on it,
Or gets off the horse
She is riding.

Poison Mattress

We were trying to get
The perfect mattress,
With the mystical quality
Of being simultaneously
Soft and firm,
All in the quest
For a perfect night's sleep.
What we got
Seemed to fit the bill
Without emaciating
Our checkbook too much,
Until we brought it home.
As soon as we brought it in
Everyone in the apartment
Started coughing
And developing
Respiratory distress.
We thought we had all
Come down with a bad
Case of the flu,
But it kept getting worse
And worse.
What we noticed
That seemed strange
Was that the coughing
Subsided the longer
We were away from
The apartment,
And started up again
As soon as we got back.
It was obvious
That something
In the apartment
Was making us sick.
It took a while until
We narrowed it down
To the new mattress.
We tried venting,
Putting in powerful fans
To blow the fumes out,
But that didn't help.
As soon as we
Placed the mattress outside
On the patio,
All of our symptoms
Began to disappear.
The mattress was offgassing,
Unbeknown to us
Giving off formaldehyde,
Poisoning us
While we slept,
Eat and breathed.
It was not a cheap mattress
Made in China,
But one manufactured
Here in the United States.
One possible solution
Would be to encase
The mattress in plastic,
But that has
Certain drawbacks as well.
What it highlighted
Was the danger
Of indoor pollution.
It turns out that
A multitude of things
Commonly found
In houses and apartments
Offgas volatile
Organic compounds.
The list includes
Paints, stains, varnishes,
Carpet, insulation, flooring,
Kitchen cabinets
And counter tops,
Plywood and particle board,
Paint and strippers,
Glues and adhesives,
Caulking compounds,
Soft or flexible plastics,
Shower curtains,
and many fire retardants.
Furniture and pressed wood
Are common culprits,
And even toys and tennis balls
Can give off
Toxic or irritant gases.
The new car smell
Is a product of offgassing.
Even the computer
On which I am writing
Offgasses.
Add cleaning supplies
And air fresheners,
Pesticides, packing foam
Synthetic fibers,
Fertilizers and fuels
To the mix,
And the home ends out
Far worse
Than the traffic bred smog
That envelopes
So many cities
Around the world.
This is especially of concern
When a new baby
Comes home.
His or her lungs
Are not fully developed,
And those VOC toxins
Can take a toll
On their health
And well being
Even more so
Than it does
On us adults.

Newspaper Obituary

And so another regional newspaper
Bites the dust,
An apparent dinosaur
In the digital age,
A relic of a
Bygone era.
It died a slow
And painful death,
Brought on by
Anemic circulation
Sharply reduced
Advertising revenue,
Rising costs,
Competition from
Television news,
And strangulation
By Internet news
And classified services.
People now have choices
They never had before.
They can get
All the news they want
Through their computer
Or cell phone.
The paper is no longer needed
For editorials,
For sports results,
For local happenings,
For job listings,
Or for any of the other
Services the newspaper
Once provided.
Young boys no longer
Have the opportunity,
As I did when I was young,
To get up
In the early hours
Of the morning,
Wrap the papers
And deliver them
By bicycle
To local residences.
Much is lost
As much is gained
In the changing
Of the Times.

Turtle Commotion

After a young girl
And her older sister
Boarded a plane
And took their seats,
A stewardess noticed
A plastic box
With a pet turtle inside
In the young girls lap.
The stewardess told her
To stow it
Under the seat in front
Which she did,
But another stewardess,
On seeing the turtle,
Demanded that the two girls
Exit the plane.
Apparently birds,
Dogs and cats
Are permitted,
But amphibians
Or reptiles are not.
The girls were told
That they had to
Get rid of their pet
If they wanted to fly,
So they called their father
To come back to the airport
And pick up the turtle.
Since no one
Was willing
To look after the turtle
Until the girls father arrived,
The girls were forced
To place their turtle
In a nearby trash can
To avoid further
Delaying the flight.
They were then
Allowed to re-board
And fly to their destination
When the father arrived
Back at the airport
The the turtle was nowhere
To be found,
And the explanation offered
Was that the trash
Had probably been dumped.
What had actually happened
Was that an airport worker
Observing the confrontation
Had rescued the turtle,
And taken it home
For his daughter.
Three days later,
After the confusion unraveled,
The young girl
And her pet turtle
Were reunited,
Compliments of the airline.
The airline's only excuse
Was that turtles
Have been known
To carry the salmonella bacteria,
So the little turtle
Was considered
A serious security violation.
They failed to mention
How they got the turtle
To her, however,
Or what happened to
The airport worker
Who “rescued” the turtle.
I wonder if it was
The airport security cameras
That implicated the worker.
I can only imagine
How infuriated the father
Must have been
When he had to return home
Empty handed.
In a world run by rigid rules
And regulations,
Little things often become
Major issues,
Especially in the absence of
Common sense.
In retrospect, none of
The turtle commotion
Was at all necessary.
I wonder if the stewardess
Who raised the issue
Was rewarded
For her diligence
Or reprimanded
For her steadfast rigidity.
Another possible way
To look at this incident
Is to wonder about
How newsworthy
The day must have been
For this to have made
The national news.

Disguised Insanity

I remember when
The State began closing
The mental institutions
And flooding the streets
With all sorts of crazies.
It became quite common
To encounter people
Talking to the air,
Or to imaginary
Friends or adversaries.
I would see them gesticulating,
Sometimes mumbling,
Sometimes shouting,
Seemingly oblivious
To those of us
Who were really there.
Now that I have returned
Back stateside
After a long period overseas,
I observe that there are
More of those type people
Than ever before,
Only someone gave them all
The perfect cover,
They all have cell phones!
Everyone has one,
The neighborhood bums,
The skid-row derelicts,
And even the real crazies
Now have a cell phone,
Or at least a set of
Ear plugs that I assume
Are attached to either
And iPod or a cellphone.
What a stroke of genius!
Give the crazies
A cell phone or an iPod,
And they are instantly transformed
So that no one questions their sanity
When they see them
Talking to the air anymore.
Problem solved.

Sleeping on the Fringe

When we got married,
We promised each other
To split everything
Fifty – Fifty,
So when it came to sleep
I obligingly gave her
Fifty percent of the bed,
Expecting that would
Leave me with fifty percent
For myself.
What I didn’t figure
Was that she would take
The middle fifty percent,
And leave me with
A quarter on each side.
Somehow or another,
That seems to be the way
It worked out
On almost everything
We tried to share.
She always got
The middle,
And I was left
On the fringe.